Death, Anxiety, and Finding Meaning

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The day my spouse, my best friend, my anchor, and my love turned 47 years old, my heart clenched with fear.

To be clear: My fear of aging is not a fear of decrepitude—not yet at any rate. I already have the aches and pains of a life well lived—banging my knees on moguls when I lived in Colorado in my 20s. Tearing up my ankle playing outdoor volleyball in my 30s. Shredding my shoulder when a horse fell on me in my 40s. These scars (and the arthritis) tell a story about me, and I’m okay with that.

Plus, I’m wearing leather pants today, my reading glasses are cool, and I love my tattoos. If this is my mid-forties, I have few complaints.

So why did I feel knifing fear when I saw the number 47 this morning?

I’m not sure when I lost the false sense of immortality of the young. Perhaps it came when I gave birth to my children, when I realized that my life mattered more to someone other than me. Perhaps that’s when I had something to live for.

My fear of aging is fear of death. The snuffing out of a light. When I feel this fear, I know why people find solace in a belief in an afterlife. Staring down the end of our existence is terrifying.

But, more than others, I struggle to get control of that fear. If you are familiar with anxiety, then you know how it can grind a person down. It’s nearly impossible to escape without help. Professional help.

But this fear isn’t new or unique to me. It is the human condition. A memento mori. We live, we die. And somehow we have to find meaning in between.

We don’t know when we will die; it could be today. Or tomorrow. Death is always there, the only truly unstoppable force.

The only thing we can do is embrace the things we love most: our children, our pets, our spouses. The humans like ourselves who give us meaning.

And we can think about the legacy we want to leave. For me, that’s a legacy of books that help people understand themselves better. I also have some pretty great kids.

What do you want your legacy to be? If you are a writer like I am, or an artist, or something similar, don’t wait. Start now. It’s not too late. And your work doesn’t need to be perfect. I promise.

And if you are struggling with anxiety, especially around the holidays when these thoughts bubble up, seek help. There is nothing better than a fantastic therapist to help you find your way.

Finding meaning in life can be hard when we know that someday we will all die. We don't know when or how, but in the meantime, we must make peace with death.

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