Do you have trouble setting boundaries?

I do. Ugh. Let's try together.

Dear Friends,

The holidays are chaos.

Joyful chaos, but…chaos. I’m neurodivergent (in cased you missed it) so that means I often end up hiding in my room to get some quiet time.

But I don’t want to do that. I want to sit around the family room, by the fire and xmas tree, and drink egg nog.

What I’m doing by hiding in my room is setting boundaries, getting the quiet time in that I need to recharge.

(And look, I still need to do that sometimes, and there’s nothing wrong with that.)

But: by learning to set other, less severe boundaries, I’ve had more time for egg nog.

My older son on my horse George this week. She looks like she’s already hit the egg nog. Good for her.

So, what are “boundaries”?

I define them like this: The limits that a person sets, by word or action, on the behavior that they will accept from other people.

What do boundaries look like around the holidays? Here are some examples of some that I have set. Maybe they can help you:

• If you need your house to be less busy around the holidays, without people popping in and out, in order to enjoy your egg nog, then you are allowed to have that. “Gosh, we’re busy right now. Maybe later!”

• If you don’t want to go to lots of holiday parties, then you are allowed to decline invitations—without feeling guilty. Do not accept guilt trip behavior from others. No sir.

• If you want to have your gift exchange time with only your closest people and no one else, then you get to have that. “We can do gifts tomorrow—nothing wrong with spreading out the love!”

Without these boundaries, my mental health suffers because my emotional energy is spent managing the stress of uncomfortable situations. I get exhausted and crash.

No energy left for egg nog.

Boundaries always come up for me around the holidays because that’s when mine weaken. My people-pleaser tendencies come out and the boundaries come down.

I want everyone to be happy, and I believe it’s my job to make them so. But it isn’t my job. (It isn’t your job, either.)

I’m getting better at boundaries though, and I thought maybe you might want to try it out with me.

Happy holidays to you, however you spend this quiet winter time.

Love,

Katie

p.s. My new book (came out in September), EVEN IF YOU’RE BROKEN: BODIES, BOUNDARIES, AND MENTAL HEALTH (revised and expanded edition), is free right now on ebook, until December 24th. A gift to you!

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I give talks on mental health and neurodiversity all over. Interested?