Sometimes we want to be vulnerable...
...so here are some instructions for how to do so.
Some of you follow me on Instagram. If you do, you have recently learned that I badly injured my spine some months ago, that I had spine surgery last Friday (April 5th), and that I am now on a long road to recovery.
I have included a photo below of me riding my horse George to remind myself that the horrible pain, long rehabilitation, and grueling physical therapy of post-spine surgery are going to be hard, but in the end, worth it. I will ride my baby girl again.
Right now, though, I can barely walk, and emotionally, everything is so hard. My mental health is suffering as much as my physical.
For many reasons, this week, I decided to start sharing my journey publicly.
I’m telling you about my decision to share my story because sometimes it is okay to share private things; sometimes it is even good.
By sharing, you can help others who are suffering similar things. You can give them strength to know that they, too, can make it through.
But I want to emphasize that it is okay to feel not-comfortable sharing private things with others. Keeping you private life private is okay, despite the pressure of the internet era to share our insides with the world.
***
I thought it might be helpful to you, my readers, to learn about how to share private things publicly—whether in speaking, writing, or other media—and how to make the choice to do so.
Sharing private things with others has to do with vulnerability. If we’re going to talk about vulnerability, we have to turn to Dr. Brené Brown, expert on vulnerability and all-around awesome person.
Dr. Brown writes, in Daring Greatly: “Vulnerability is based on mutuality and requires boundaries and trust. It’s not oversharing, it’s not purging, it’s not indiscriminate disclosure.”
When we choose to share difficult things that have happened to us, we must do so deliberately, and we must understand our own reasons for doing so.
Sharing is deliberate, not indiscriminate.
Brown continues: “Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them.”
***
You might say, “But Katie, the entire internet did not earn the right to hear the story of your pain and your surgery.”
My reply is this:
I waited for weeks until the right moment to share what I have been through. And then, finally, when I was emotionally ready, I shared it on my terms.
Because I waited, I had emotional distance from the things I’d gone through. That means I was not all that vulnerable. I was just vulnerable enough to do the work I needed to do.
For me, that’s what my sharing comes down to: my work.
I am a disability legal studies expert and I work for disability rights. When I share, I always do it deliberately. And I do it for a purpose.
Do I always get it right? No—I make mistakes sometimes, sharing things I wish I hadn’t. But mistakes are a part of life.
I do my job. And sometimes I mess up. Then I keep going. And that’s okay.
***
Have you ever thought about sharing your own private stories? Here’s some advice.
FIRST: Why do you want to share this story about yourself? What is driving you? Is that reason good enough to outweigh the possible risks?
On that note: What are the risks to you? They’re different for everyone.
For me, I share because it is part of my job to share stories about my experiences. If it isn’t your job, maybe you should take a beat to think about how much of yourself you want to reveal.
SECOND: Are you certain that you can handle the negative reactions that you may receive? You might get some crappy reactions. But will you be okay if you do? Will they cause you too much harm to make sharing worth it?
THIRD: Dr. Brown talked about trust. Ask yourself: Do you truly trust the person with whom you are sharing your story? Whether that person is a close friend or a magazine editor whose job it is to make sure that you are telling your story in a safe way, trust is central to sharing your story.
You can never be completely certain of any of these things. You can only make the best decision you can. And you should never, ever feel pressured to share what is inside you. It belongs to you, and you alone.
Love to you,
Katie
I give talks on mental health and neurodiversity all over the country (and the world). Interested?
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